Do you have a child whose behavior is off-the-charts? Everybody offers suggestions, but nothing works. They refuse to do what is asked of them, melt down at the drop of a hat, scream hateful things, physically attack others, and damage property. You go to parenting classes, read books, and visit therapists, but no amounts of time-outs, time-ins, explanations, reward charts, or token economies make a dent in your child’s behaviors? If so, you have an “explosive child.” You are not a bad parent. Your child is not a bad person. There is hope. Really. Dr. Greene’s book is based on a technique called Collaborative Problem Solving (CPS).

I first read Dr. Greene’s book, The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children, when my eldest was in middle school. Those pre-teen years are brutal! I found the helpful book and used many of Dr. Greene’s techniques, but I felt extremely lucky that my child was not as explosive as the examples in the book. Perhaps my eldest wasn’t that difficult. Many children have passed through my life, and I have reread and recommended this book many times. It wasn’t until my newest child entered my life that I read Dr. Greene’s scenarios and thought, “I wish my child were that easy!” There is no single “fix” that will help all families, but there is a growing body of research, philosophies, and techniques that can help us deal with the people in our lives who are more challenging. Yes, you read that right. This technique is not only for your child; it can help you navigate interactions with all the personalities in your life!

Dr. Greene firmly believes that children are not trying to be difficult or bad; throughout the book, he repeats the phrase, “Children do well if they can.” Take a look at your child and their behavior. What happened before their last outburst? What happened after? Typically, these explosive outbursts happen when your child is incapable of being flexible or tolerating frustration. We are not born with frustration tolerance and the ability to be flexible. Some people need to be specifically taught flexibility, frustration tolerance, or both. Does your child? I know more than one of my children has.

According to Dr. Greene’s model, there are 3 types of parenting. Plan A involves imposing your will on your children. The Plan A parent expects their child to do what is asked of them without any push-back, just because they were told to do so. The Plan C parent drops the expectation if there is push-back. There are times when both of these parenting types are acceptable. When your child runs towards the road, you yell “stop” and need a Plan A response. When your child has obviously had a bad day and balks when you ask them to mow the lawn, perhaps you choose Plan C and decide the lawn can be readdressed tomorrow. Ideally, when Plan A is needed, you would address the issue before or after it occurs and ensure your child understands why compliance is mandatory in that type of situation. When Plan C is used, you have chosen to do so and will revisit the issue as needed. Plan B parenting utilizes collaborative problem solving. That is what this book is all about.

Collaborative Problem Solving, or Plan B, can be planned or happen at the moment. Proactive Plan B is always best. With Proactive Plan B, you consider situations in which your child historically has meltdowns or could reasonably be expected to meltdown. You and your child look for solutions, practice, and implement them. Other times, you find yourself in the middle of a meltdown and need to help your child get through the situation. In this case, you will use Emergency Plan B. Either way, Plan B involves three steps:

1. Have your child define the problem for you.
2. Empathy and Reassurance. Ensure you understand what your child sees as the problem and reassure them that you will help them find a solution.
3. You define the problem from your perspective.
4. Invite your child to collaborately solve the problem. You have two issues on the table: yours and your child’s. You do not have a solution until both of you are satisfied with it. Brainstorm ideas together. Remember that the solution may not be related to anything you initially considered.

With my newest child, Collaborative Problem Solving has tested my frustration tolerance. This process requires both you and your child to have some basic skills. As a pre-teen with other challenges, my child is still working on developing those skills. Plan B can only work if all those involved can identify and articulate their concerns, brainstorm and consider possible solutions, consider feasibility, reflect upon the likely outcome of a course of action, and reflect on the degree to which a solution is mutually satisfactory. Plan B also requires both the adult and the child to be willing and able to follow through with the solution.

Dr. Greene’s writing style is conversational and easy to read. This book is filled not only with parenting philosophy but with examples and techniques to help you help your child. Collaborative Problem Solving is useful for everybody, not just “explosive” children. I strongly recommend The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children for parents, teachers, and anyone who deals with children who have challenging behaviors. Collaborative Problem Solving is not a magic fix. Instead, it involves helping your child develop skills to navigate their world successfully.